Pandemic checklist: toilet paper, hand sanitizer and tin foil

Fantasy football is dumb. My opinion, of course.

Hardcore sports fans fall on the Dork Spectrum, but due to the jock nature of their obsession, they escape that “dweeb factor” we connote with dorks in other prototypical dork realms.

American football is not a dork field. It is a gladiator sport manned by jocks and electrified by 250 pounds of colliding meat and muscle, and the clattering sounds of hard plastic helmets accelerating into each other. Football fans live vicarious masculinity through their football spectatorship. If you listen to radio sports talk shows or to sit in a sports bar on football Sunday, you will understand the elemental nature of a “sports dork” in the wild.

Fantasy Football is the embodiment of sports dork-dom. A hybrid of reality and make-believe, fantasy football is a boring rendition of a boring sport, disguised as fictional recreation.


I will give fantasy footballers this, however: at least they own up to the unproductive circularity of their activity. It is a constructed fantasy and as such, there is a sincere genuineness about the hobby that one cannot deny. They own their inner dork and are largely too obtuse to recognize it.

I’ve stumbled across a new field of fantasy. Politics.

Rather than attempt to explain in words, I’ll defer to this video which reveals the burgeoning new political fantasy activity.

Courtesy of this Tweet

At stake is not a national championship trophy or bragging rights to the highest point score, but something larger: the Presidency of the United States. Namely, the Trump Presidency which will rightfully ensue after Joe Biden & Sons are carted away in handcuffs.

Don’t trouble yourself attempting to make sense of the narrative chain outlined in this video. A friend of an acquaintance of this host who was told over the phone…

How deep can this suspension of disbelief sink for the sane? These people, and those who listen in the deepest thrall of trust in the Plan, engage in an artificially constructed fantasy world as well. All contingencies and underlying reality checks are addressed by the paradigm molded around the fantasy. Unfortunately, unlike fantasy football, there is nothing ironic about their belief system. When January 20 rolls around and Joe Biden becomes President (and his wrists remain free), they will defer to a new round of plans, promises, signals, hints, secretive twice-removed phone calls that explain the delay and promise a new date for yet another Plan.

Look, I would love to see this happen; a real Happening. But it’s a fantasy, a non-existent reality. This kind of stuff is amusement porn for those of us with intact minds.

Lunacy is a prerequisite if you believe a person with high security government clearance (the sort of clearance that allows them to learn Joe Biden’s arrest is imminent) is itching to call their nephew with such confidential intel, especially knowing that this nephew is linked to a gabby network of conspiratards.

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